Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Sometimes all it takes is a moment to cool down.

You told your child to pick up all his toys and get ready for bed. Five minutes later when you check in, the toy cars are still all over. You feel your blood start to boil. You’re on the verge of losing it. Turn around, close your eyes, and breathe. Take a moment to collect yourself — and your emotions. Michelle LaRowe, author of A Mom’s Ultimate Book of Lists, says, “Take a time-out. If you’re worked up, you’re only going to work up your child. Before addressing your child, take a deep breath and think through what you’re going to say, calmly.”

We all have good kids; sometimes their behavior just stinks.

When you’re teaching your children to ride their bikes, do you punish them when they don’t get it the first try? Of course not. You encourage them, support them, and give them guidance. Rex Forehand, Ph.D., author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Third Edition, with Nicholas Long, Ph.D., says that disciplining your children should be the same way. “When we think about teaching our children, we usually go about it in positive ways, that is except for behavior,” Dr. Forehand says. “For some reason we think that punishment should be our teaching tool.” It doesn’t need to be. When your child hits another child during a playdate, it’s easy to react with yelling, “Stop! Don’t do that!” Instead, Dr. Forehand suggests focusing on addressing the specific behavior and taking the opportunity to patiently teach your child why hitting is wrong.

Instead of yelling, use a firm, but soft, I-mean-business tone when giving behavior directions.

Direction that makes the most impact on a child is actually one that is stern and even somewhat gentle, says LaRowe. “When you speak in a calm but firm soft voice, children have to work to listen — and they most always do. The calmer and softer you speak, the more impact your words will have,” she says. Not only will your child most likely grasp your instructions faster, you won’t have to lose your voice trying to convey it.

Before you lose your cool because your child has misbehaved, figure out what is causing the behavior.

One of the biggest reasons toddlers misbehave is they simply haven’t learned an alternative approach to displaying their feelings. “Our goal as parents should be to teach our children how to effectively express themselves by validating their feelings without validating their behavior,” LaRowe says. Next time Tommy pushes a friend who just knocked over his blocks, stray away from the tempting ridicule of yelling “No! Don’t do that!” LaRowe suggests instead explaining why the action is bad. “Tommy, I understand you are mad that your friend knocked over your blocks. It’s okay to be mad, but when you are mad you tell your friend ‘I’m mad;’ you don’t push.”

Not carrying out your threats will result in them testing you — and you getting angry.

“Jenna, please turn off the TV.” Five minutes later, Jenna is still watching TV. “Jenna, I mean it, turn off the TV or you will sit in time-out.” Five minutes later, Jenna is still watching TV. “Jenna, I mean it …” Empty threats and nagging won’t work on your children, and eventually they will call your bluff. And when they do, it’s likely parents will find themselves frustrated and yelling. But this is easy to avoid. Have clear rules. When you state a consequence, follow through.

Parents praise their children for good behavior, and scold for the bad, but what about the in-between?

Children love getting attention from their parents, sometimes even if it’s bad. “Parents tend to give attention to their child either by praising them for good behavior or punishing them for bad behavior. And at times a child will take either or,” says Dr. Long, who advises to ignore your children when they are acting badly, such as whining to get attention. “If you yell at them, you are still giving them the interest they wanted, and therefore they will continue to use negative behavior to get a reaction from you,” Dr. Long says. If you praise behavior, even when it is just okay, then your child will be more likely to repeat it because of the way you took notice.

The stronger your relationship is with your child, the stronger your discipline will hold.

At this age your child wants to be close to you. Take advantage of it and reaffirm your bond with your child. Not only will it strengthen the relationship between parent and child, but your child will then have a greater respect for you. According to Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Third Edition, the closer you are to your child, the less likely your child is to act up, even though no child is perfect. “A child who has a strong relationship with a parent is more prone to accept the discipline offered by a parent,” Dr. Long says.

Are you hurt when someone yells at you? Of course; so why wouldn’t your child be?

“Our goal as parents should be to teach our children and to build them up, not to tear them down. When we yell at our children we risk damaging their self-esteem and sense of self-worth,” LaRowe says. Consider how you’d feel if your boss yelled at you. You’d likely be embarrassed and hurt. LaRowe points out that often you don’t have a chance to process what your boss is saying because of how it was said. The same goes for your child. You want to be able to teach him what is acceptable and what is not without making him feel shame or embarrassment.

Healthy children are the happiest children.

Parents underestimate the power of what a well-balanced diet and a good sleeping schedule can do for a child’s behavior. If you think about it, what are two of the major underlying problems that cause toddlers to act up? Hunger and fatigue. Well-rested, well-nourished children who are on predictable schedules tend to have fewer behavioral issues. On the flip side, the better your sleeping and eating habits are as a parent, the more likely you are to keep your cool longer — and catch yourself before you start yelling.

No matter how hard we try, sometimes we will slip up and yell. And that’s okay, as long as we know how to make it right.

Your child has been driving you up the wall all day. You have tried to keep your cool and follow all the steps, and yet you still feel your temper escalating. And then, one small mishap from your child, and you lose it. You raise your voice, and there’s no taking it back now. Dr. Forehand and Dr. Long suggest talking to your children when you’ve calmed down after yelling. “It’s important to explain that Mommy or Daddy didn’t mean to raise their voice, and that they didn’t mean to get mad,” Dr. Forehand says. “Explain to them that it frustrates Mommy or Daddy when they don’t listen, and ask them to do better, and that you will, too.”

Copyright 2010 Meredith Corporation.

Avoid the whole trying-to-pick-out-the-perfect-outfit morning madness. At the beginning of the week, Mommysavers.com founder Kimberly Danger sorts out seven outfits with her kids and puts each one together in a sweater rack or shoe cubby. This saves time in the morning and also short-circuits potential arguments about what to wear.

Don’t run to the store every time your child gets a birthday-party invite. Instead, stock up on one-size-fits-all kid presents whenever you spot a sale. Keep your treasures on a designated closet shelf so there’s always something you can pull out, wrap, and give.

There’s no reason to sit through commercials — record your favorite shows, then fast-forward through the ads. If you must watch television in real time, hit the mute button and, during the breaks, sort the mail or catch up on magazines.

Who says the cookies you send in for the preschool bake sale need to be from scratch? There’s a reason grocery stores sell refrigerated dough. And when you are baking, don’t underestimate the power of aluminum foil. You can line any baking dish or cookie sheet with it, and then you don’t have the hassle of scrubbing pans.

Touch mail no more than twice. Don’t let paper pile up on the kitchen counter — put all the flyers and catalogs you know you’re never going to look at in the recycling bin; as you receive monthly bills, throw away the outer envelopes and place the bills in a to-be-paid folder. Same goes for e-mail: Answer it immediately, then delete.

Forget asking your kids what they want to eat. As they’re debating ham and cheese versus PB&J, you could have already packed the lunchbox and sent them out the door. As for dinner, don’t even think about making different foods for each member of the family. Kids can eat what the grown-ups are served. Or fix a bowl of cereal.

As long as you’re paying the teenager down the street, ask her if she’ll fold some laundry or straighten the toy shelves while she watches TV after the kids are asleep.

Sure, it’s tough to entrust your child to someone else’s minivan. But if you don’t share the driving with friends, you’ll end up living in your vehicle as you ferry your child to school and sports and other activities. (And think of the money you’ll save on gas.)

Sure, every penny counts, but when you’re running from store to store to get the best price on a sack of potatoes, the gas alone isn’t worth it. Save money the old-fashioned way — clip coupons and make just one trip.

Even a 3-year-old can master a simple sorting system. Set up a couple of baskets — one for whites, another for colors — in his room. Also, teach kids that clothes can usually be worn more than once before they need to be washed. This doesn’t dawn on most of them until they go away to college and start doing their own laundry.

If you’re spending the time to whip up dinner, double or triple the recipe and freeze it. You get two or three meals for the same time it took you to make one.

It seemed so necessary when you bought it, but that changing table isn’t the only place you can do diaper duty. Keep a few clean diapers and changing pads stashed throughout your house to save you from running back and forth to the nursery.

Originally published in the November 2008 issue of Parents magazine.

Keeping your family active can tax your imagination but it doesn’t need to tax your budget. Vacations, museum and zoo visits, movie nights, and craft sessions all have their place in your schedule but lively playtime has the added benefit of being healthy for everyone. The idea is to have fun, keep moving, and spend time together.

With so many opportunities for children to participate in organized sports and events, it’s important to allow time for unstructured fun. Perhaps the easiest way to keep your family active is to take them to a playground; walk if possible for a little extra exercise. Teach children to use the equipment safely and encourage them to stretch their skills under your supervision.

Bicycling is a sport that kids and adults can enjoy together most months of the year. Start with short rides with frequent breaks for young children and make sure they understand good biking etiquette and the laws that govern public byways. More towns and cities are constructing bike paths that provide safer family outings for all ages and abilities. Be sure that all bikers wear well-fitting protective head gear.

Kids love to build things and the bigger, the better! Constructing forts is an activity that works indoors or out but outside gives you and your budding architects more scope. Not only does it foster problem-solving skills but it fuels the imagination as well. All the items you need can be found around the house: blankets, chairs, old rugs, leftover plywood, cardboard boxes. If you have a clothesline, you’ve already got a jumpstart as these make great armatures for draping blankets.

Stage a scavenger hunt for the whole family. You can make your list of common items for players to find from things found within your house and yard or you can enlarge it to encompass the neighborhood. For a neighborhood hunt, alert your neighbors or invite them to join the fun and make it a family competition. Team the youngest players with adults for safety.

Sometimes the simplest pleasures are the best and they are often right outside your door. On a warm day, set up the lawn sprinkler or an inexpensive water slide, get everyone into swimsuits and let the fun begin. Even an effortless activity like this can have a powerful influence on the lives of young children and strengthen family bonds when shared with parents and older siblings.

Swimming lessons are a great way for kids to get healthy exercise and learn how to enjoy water sports safely. But when the lessons are over, get the whole family in the pool together for games like water volleyball or basketball or just unstructured silliness and splashing around. Getting parents and older siblings in the pool, too, will help younger kids develop confidence and safe habits in the water.

Organize a backyard track meet and get the neighborhood involved if you can or plan one in a nearby play park. Use talcum powder to set up race lanes in the grass and place flags at your start and finish lines. Run sack races and three-legged races pairing older and younger participants so that everyone has an equal chance to win. Set up a measuring stick and see who can jump the highest and the farthest. If you have a set of horseshoes, see who can toss them the farthest; use flags to mark everyone’s best try.

If building a fort isn’t up your child’s alley, how about a backyard theater instead? Children love dressing up and pretending, so why not give them the chance to act out their favorite stories? Let everyone, even the youngest actor, get involved in the planning and finding elements for the stage and costumes. Your backdrop can be as unfussy as a blanket hung from a clothesline or a canvas painted with scenery.

Organized games and sports can fill a summer and are important for building teamwork and sportsmanship, but impromptu ball games in the yard or neighborhood can also help build skills and confidence in a less stressful environment and build family relationships at the same time. Rotate positions during the games so that everyone has a chance to expand their abilities.

Give the family a chore that’s also fun — a car wash. Pull out all the vehicles — even the little red wagon if it’s a bit dusty — grab the hose, and fill buckets with soapy water. Even toddlers can wash the lower panels of a car or the tires. Encourage safe water fights but make sure that everyone gets a turn with the hose! Hand around car towels to buff everything (and everyone!) to a squeaky clean shine.

Walk a nature trail at a local or state park. Have your child spot unusual plants (don’t allow them to touch them unless you’re sure they’re safe and never allow your children to pull up plants or flowers). See what animals you can find and identify. Bring a field guide to birds, binoculars, and a digital camera to record your success. Take along some compact refreshments to keep everyone quiet and focused on the task, but be sure to hang onto all disposables until you get home.

Copyright © 2009 Meredith Corporation.

I love working with cardboard. Why? For starters, it’s abundant. Cardboard sneaks into your home every time you bring in groceries and sundries, and you can get boxes for free at most stores just by asking for them. Then there’s the fact that you can build big things with it, using only some tape or glue. Finally, cardboard can be recycled, so it’s ecofriendly. I’ve made hundreds of cardboard projects, ranging from small milk-carton houses to cars and huts big enough for my three girls, ages 4, 5, and 7, to play inside. We work together to think up, plan, develop, and construct these toys. The three projects on the following pages were originally built and played with by my family. They also appeared on my craft and sewing blog, ikatbag (ikatbag.com), where you can find instructions for making the seven other crafts shown at right. Here’s are three fun projects using my favorite material.

See more crafts on Lorraine Teigland’s blog.

Sized just right for tiny peg dolls, this basic structure can be used to make a dollhouse or castle turret as well.

Start with a cardboard canister, such as an oatmeal container. Trim the top to shorten it. Cut three fins from corrugated cardboard. For the nose cone, cut a circle from cereal box cardboard that’s twice the diameter of the canister (our canister was 4 inches wide, so we used an 8-inch circle). Trim away a pie-piece section, and curve the rest into a cone, securing it with tacky glue. Paint the pieces with acrylic paint and let them dry.

Cut a small circle in the canister’s side for the door window. Cut a larger circle around the first circle, leaving 3/4 inch on one side uncut for a hinge.

Use hot glue to attach the fins and the nose cone. Add details with paint.

This no-whacking-required piñata provides just as much suspense as the traditional type. Kids take turns pulling one ribbon at a time, only one of which opens a trapdoor holding back the treats.

From corrugated cardboard, cut a rectangle (ours is 16 by 25 inches) with the flutes parallel to the short sides. Cut tab like crenellations along one of the long edges. We also cut out a window and added a drawing of a princess. Roll the rectangle into a cylinder and glue the overlap in place.

Trace the tower’s base onto a piece of sturdy corrugated cardboard and cut out the circle. Use a craft knife (an adult’s job) to cut a trapdoor, leaving one side scored but not cut through to form a hinge.

Cut about a yard of curling ribbon. Glue one end to the inside of the trapdoor, opposite the hinge. Run glue along the bottom edge of the tower, and attach it to the base.

Cut more lengths of ribbon — at least one or two per player. Lay about 6 inches of their ends within the three sides of the trapdoor opening, then carefully close the trapdoor; the ribbons will be pinched in place.

The hinge edge of the trapdoor will not have any ribbons — a dead giveaway. To mislead players, use a craft knife to make small slits close to the hinge and insert ribbons into them.

With a hole punch, make holes at the top of the piñata, then tie a ribbon loop for hanging. Fill the tower with treats and hang it up.

These were created when my daughters were in a serious Musketeer phase — swinging broomsticks around, fighting invisible enemies.

The blades of these swords are made from wrapping paper tubes. For each sword, flatten one end of a tube, trim it to a blunt point, and tape it closed.

Cut a strip of corrugated cardboard (with the flutes parallel to the short ends) that’s about 1 inch wider than the tube and about 12 inches long. Round off the ends. About 2 inches from one end, cut a hole big enough to fit the tube.

Slide the tube through the hole.

Next, bend the other end around to the flat end of the tube, and glue it in place. Spread a thin layer of glue on the blade, then wrap it with aluminum foil. Add a line of glue where the foil overlaps. If desired, paint the handle guard.

Originally published in the March 2012 issue of FamilyFun magazine.

When your kid’s in the middle of a tantrum, it can be tough to keep yourself from having your own meltdown, too.
“Meltdowns are terrible, nasty things, but they’re a fact of childhood,” says Ray Levy, PhD, a Dallas-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies That Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation. “Young kids — namely those between the ages of 1 and 4 — haven’t developed good coping skills yet. They tend to just lose it instead.” And what, exactly, sets them off to begin with? Every single tantrum, Levy says, results from one simple thing: not getting what they want. “For children between 1 and 2, tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need — more milk, a diaper change, that toy over there — but not having the language skills to do it,” says Levy. “They get frustrated when you don’t respond to what they’re ‘saying’ and throw a fit.” For older toddlers, tantrums are more of a power struggle. “By the time kids are 3 or 4, they have grown more autonomous,” Levy adds. “They’re keenly aware of their needs and desires — and want to assert them more. If you don’t comply? Tantrum city.”
So how can you stop these outbursts? What follows are 10 freak-out fixes that both parenting experts and other moms swear by.

The reason this works is fascinating: “During a tantrum, your child is literally out of his mind. His emotions take over — overriding the frontal cortex of the brain, the area that makes decisions and judgments,” says Jay Hoecker, MD, a Rochester, Minnesota, pediatrician. “That’s why reasoning doesn’t help — the reasoning part of his brain isn’t working.” Says Alan Kazdin, PhD, author of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, “Once you’re in a situation where someone’s drowning, you can’t teach them to swim — and it’s the same with tantrums. There’s nothing to do in the moment that will make things better. In fact, almost anything you try will make it worse. Once he chills out, then you can talk.”

“Sometimes a kid just needs to get his anger out. So let him!” says Linda Pearson, a nurse practitioner and author ofThe Discipline Miracle. (Just make sure there’s nothing in tantrum’s way that could hurt him.) “I’m a big believer in this approach because it helps children learn how to vent in a nondestructive way. They’re able to get their feelings out, pull themselves together, and regain self-control — without engaging in a yelling match or battle of wills with you.” This trick can work on its own or in tandem with the whole ignoring bit.

This is all about a deft mental switcheroo — getting your kid engaged and interested in something else so she forgets about the meltdown she was just having. “My purse is filled with all sorts of distractions, like toys – ones my kids haven’t seen in a while, books, and yummy snacks,” says Alisa Fitzgerald, a mom of two from Boxford, Massachusetts. Whenever a tantrum happens, she busts ‘em out, one at a time, until something gets the kids’ attention. “I’ve also found that distraction can help ward off a major meltdown before it happens, if you catch it in time,” she adds. If your kid is about to go off the deep end at the supermarket because you won’t buy the super-frosted sugar-bomb cereal, try quickly switching gears and enthusiastically saying something like, “Hey, we need some ice cream. Want to help me pick a flavor?” or “Ooh, check out the lobster tank over there!” Explains Levy: “Children have pretty short attention spans — which means they’re usually easy to divert. And it always helps if you sound really, really psyched when you do it. It gets their mind off the meltdown and on to the next thing that much faster.” Fitzgerald agrees: “You have to channel your inner actress and be an entertainer — one with props!”

This trick is for tantrums among the under-2-and-a-half set, says Dr. Hoecker. “Children this age usually have a vocabulary of only about 50 words and can’t link more than two together at a time. Their communication is limited, yet they have all these thoughts and wishes and needs to be met. When you don’t get the message or misunderstand, they freak out to release their frustration.” One solution, he says: sign language. Teaching your child how to sign a few key words — such as more, food, milk, and tired — can work wonders.
Another approach is to empathize with your kid, which helps take some of the edge off the tantrum, and then play detective. “My 22-month-old throws tantrums that can last up to — yikes! — 20 minutes,” says Melanie Pelosi, a mom of three from West Windsor, New Jersey. “We’ve taught her some words in sign language, but if she wants something like a movie, she won’t know how to ask for it — and still freaks out. So I say, ‘Show me what you want,’ and then I see if she’ll point to it. It’s not always obvious, but with a little time and practice you begin to communicate better. If she points to her older brother, for example, that usually means that he’s snatched something away from her, and I can ask him to give it back. I can’t tell you how many awful, drawn-out meltdowns we’ve avoided this way!”

“This may feel like the last thing you want to do when your kid is freaking out, but it really can help her settle down,” Levy says. “I’m talking about a big, firm hug, not a supercuddly one. And don’t say a word when you do it — again, you’d just be entering into a futile battle of wills. Hugs make kids feel secure and let them know that you care about them, even if you don’t agree with their behavior.” Cartwright Holecko, of Neenah, Wisconsin, finds that it helps: “Sometimes I think they just need a safe place to get their emotions out.”

“Being tired and hungry are the two biggest tantrum triggers,” says Levy. Physically, the kid is already on the brink, so it won’t take much emotionally to send him over. “Parents often come to me wondering why their child is having daily meltdowns. And it turns out they’re happening around the same time each day — before lunch or naptime and in the early evening. It’s no coincidence! My advice: feed them, water them, and let them veg — whether that means putting them to bed or letting them watch a little TV.” Think how cranky you get when you miss out on sleep or your blood sugar hits rock bottom, he says. With young kids, who have greater sleep and food needs, the effect is magnified tenfold.

Certain situations are trying for kids. Maybe it’s sitting through a long meal at a restaurant or staying quiet in church. Whatever the hissy hot button, this is the trick: “It’s about recognizing when you’re asking a lot of your child and offering him a little preemptive bribe,” Pearson says. “While you’re on your way to the restaurant, for example, tell him, ‘Alex, Mommy is asking you to sit and eat your dinner nicely tonight. I really think you can do it! And if you can behave, then when we get home I’ll let you watch a video.’” For the record, Pearson says this kind of bribery is perfectly fine, as long as it’s done on your terms and ahead of time — not under duress in the middle of a tantrum. If your kid starts to lose it at any point, gently remind him about the “treat” you discussed. “It’s amazing how this can instantly whip them back into shape,” says Pearson.

This is a biggie — and is much easier said than done. But experts insist you must keep your cool during a child’s tantrum. “Otherwise, you’ll get into a power struggle and make the whole thing escalate. Plus, part of the reason kids resort to tantrums is to get attention,” Dr. Hoecker says. “They don’t care if it’s positive or negative attention they’re getting. All they care about is that you’re giving them 100 percent of it.” Levy agrees, and adds: “Talking in a soothing voice shows your child that you’re not going to let her behavior get to you. It also helps you stay relaxed — when what you really want to do is yell right back. In fact, the calm tone is as much for the parent as the child! If you’re tense, your kid will pick up on it, and it’s going to amp her up even more.”

Every parent dreads public tantrums, for obvious reasons. You worry other parents will think you’re a bad mom — that you’ve raised an out-of-control demon child. But that, says Kazdin, can tempt you to make choices that will only lead to more fits. “Kids, even very young ones, are smart,” he says. “If you get angry or stressed or cave in and let him get his way just to end the meltdown before more people start staring, he’ll learn that — aha! — it works.” Your best bet, Kazdin says, is to suck it up, plaster a little Mona Lisa smile on your face, and pretend everything is just peachy. And what are others thinking? “We know from studies that the only thing people judge is your reaction to the meltdown,” says Levy. “If you look calm and like you’ve got it under control — yes, even though you’re not doing anything to stop the fit — they think, Now that’s a good mom.”

Getting kids away from the scene of the tantrum can snap them out of it. “It’s also a great strategy when you’re out and about,” says Levy. “If your child starts melting down over a toy or candy bar he wants, pick him up and take him either to a different area of the store or outside until he calms down. Changing the venue really can change the behavior.”
Originally published in the October 2008 issue of American Baby magazine.