Our Thoughts on Discipline — Stop YELLING!

I know, I know… it’s impossible isn’t it?  And no, we’re not yell-free at our house — we wish.  This article to me is more of a reminder of why we shouldn’t yell and I’ll sure as heck try to not yell – because funny thing is, I know it doesn’t work – yet it slips out anyways when the Ms. Hannigan in me rears her ugly head.  I remember a time when I was child-free looking at other parents yelling at the kids in the store/park/etc. and thinking “that is NOT going to be me”.  Well alas, just the other day at the library no less I found myself seeing my toddler try hopping down stairs while distractedly looking around and for some reason the yell just ripped out of me “STOP! What are you thinking?!?!” echoed through the silence – ugh.  Worse, since the toddler is a bit more rambunctious than my older child, I find myself yelling at her more than I ever did  her older sister… so what do you think happened?  My munchkin is more of a yeller :0/ – I’m not going to take all of the credit for this, but I’m certainly not faultless (waaaaaaah) – I see my hubs raising his voice in exasperation at well… BUT we are trying to change.

What we do believe in is modeling, we have to model behavior we want our children to have, there is no way around it (save for boarding school – haha).  We also aren’t aiming to be perfect parents by any means, you know where I categorize this?  Parenting as a way for me to become a better person, and being a better person means getting a hold of my temper and dealing with things in a more even-tempered way.  The truth is, what I realize now is that it is sometimes not the act itself that makes me yell but something else that isn’t even my child’s fault – like when I don’t get enough sleep the night before, or when I’m so busy with a million and one errands I need to get done.  But yelling doesn’t solve anything, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel better.  So goodbye yeller mom!  Hello zen mom with a cup of coffee in her hands 😉

10 Ways to Stop Yelling

Breathe

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Sometimes all it takes is a moment to cool down.

You told your child to pick up all his toys and get ready for bed. Five minutes later when you check in, the toy cars are still all over. You feel your blood start to boil. You’re on the verge of losing it. Turn around, close your eyes, and breathe. Take a moment to collect yourself — and your emotions. Michelle LaRowe, author of A Mom’s Ultimate Book of Lists, says, “Take a time-out. If you’re worked up, you’re only going to work up your child. Before addressing your child, take a deep breath and think through what you’re going to say, calmly.”

Address the Behavior

We all have good kids; sometimes their behavior just stinks.

When you’re teaching your children to ride their bikes, do you punish them when they don’t get it the first try? Of course not. You encourage them, support them, and give them guidance. Rex Forehand, Ph.D., author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Third Edition, with Nicholas Long, Ph.D., says that disciplining your children should be the same way. “When we think about teaching our children, we usually go about it in positive ways, that is except for behavior,” Dr. Forehand says. “For some reason we think that punishment should be our teaching tool.” It doesn’t need to be. When your child hits another child during a playdate, it’s easy to react with yelling, “Stop! Don’t do that!” Instead, Dr. Forehand suggests focusing on addressing the specific behavior and taking the opportunity to patiently teach your child why hitting is wrong.

Mean Business Without Being Mean

Instead of yelling, use a firm, but soft, I-mean-business tone when giving behavior directions.

Direction that makes the most impact on a child is actually one that is stern and even somewhat gentle, says LaRowe. “When you speak in a calm but firm soft voice, children have to work to listen — and they most always do. The calmer and softer you speak, the more impact your words will have,” she says. Not only will your child most likely grasp your instructions faster, you won’t have to lose your voice trying to convey it.

Help Your Child Explain Feelings

Before you lose your cool because your child has misbehaved, figure out what is causing the behavior.

One of the biggest reasons toddlers misbehave is they simply haven’t learned an alternative approach to displaying their feelings. “Our goal as parents should be to teach our children how to effectively express themselves by validating their feelings without validating their behavior,” LaRowe says. Next time Tommy pushes a friend who just knocked over his blocks, stray away from the tempting ridicule of yelling “No! Don’t do that!” LaRowe suggests instead explaining why the action is bad. “Tommy, I understand you are mad that your friend knocked over your blocks. It’s okay to be mad, but when you are mad you tell your friend ‘I’m mad;’ you don’t push.”

Have Clear Rules & Follow Through

Not carrying out your threats will result in them testing you — and you getting angry.

“Jenna, please turn off the TV.” Five minutes later, Jenna is still watching TV. “Jenna, I mean it, turn off the TV or you will sit in time-out.” Five minutes later, Jenna is still watching TV. “Jenna, I mean it …” Empty threats and nagging won’t work on your children, and eventually they will call your bluff. And when they do, it’s likely parents will find themselves frustrated and yelling. But this is easy to avoid. Have clear rules. When you state a consequence, follow through.

Give Praise for Okay Behavior

Parents praise their children for good behavior, and scold for the bad, but what about the in-between?

Children love getting attention from their parents, sometimes even if it’s bad. “Parents tend to give attention to their child either by praising them for good behavior or punishing them for bad behavior. And at times a child will take either or,” says Dr. Long, who advises to ignore your children when they are acting badly, such as whining to get attention. “If you yell at them, you are still giving them the interest they wanted, and therefore they will continue to use negative behavior to get a reaction from you,” Dr. Long says. If you praise behavior, even when it is just okay, then your child will be more likely to repeat it because of the way you took notice.

A Strong Bond Makes Discipline Easier

The stronger your relationship is with your child, the stronger your discipline will hold.

At this age your child wants to be close to you. Take advantage of it and reaffirm your bond with your child. Not only will it strengthen the relationship between parent and child, but your child will then have a greater respect for you. According to Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Third Edition, the closer you are to your child, the less likely your child is to act up, even though no child is perfect. “A child who has a strong relationship with a parent is more prone to accept the discipline offered by a parent,” Dr. Long says.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Are you hurt when someone yells at you? Of course; so why wouldn’t your child be?

“Our goal as parents should be to teach our children and to build them up, not to tear them down. When we yell at our children we risk damaging their self-esteem and sense of self-worth,” LaRowe says. Consider how you’d feel if your boss yelled at you. You’d likely be embarrassed and hurt. LaRowe points out that often you don’t have a chance to process what your boss is saying because of how it was said. The same goes for your child. You want to be able to teach him what is acceptable and what is not without making him feel shame or embarrassment.

Good Eating & Sleeping Habits

Healthy children are the happiest children.

Parents underestimate the power of what a well-balanced diet and a good sleeping schedule can do for a child’s behavior. If you think about it, what are two of the major underlying problems that cause toddlers to act up? Hunger and fatigue. Well-rested, well-nourished children who are on predictable schedules tend to have fewer behavioral issues. On the flip side, the better your sleeping and eating habits are as a parent, the more likely you are to keep your cool longer — and catch yourself before you start yelling.

We’re Not Perfect

No matter how hard we try, sometimes we will slip up and yell. And that’s okay, as long as we know how to make it right.

Your child has been driving you up the wall all day. You have tried to keep your cool and follow all the steps, and yet you still feel your temper escalating. And then, one small mishap from your child, and you lose it. You raise your voice, and there’s no taking it back now. Dr. Forehand and Dr. Long suggest talking to your children when you’ve calmed down after yelling. “It’s important to explain that Mommy or Daddy didn’t mean to raise their voice, and that they didn’t mean to get mad,” Dr. Forehand says. “Explain to them that it frustrates Mommy or Daddy when they don’t listen, and ask them to do better, and that you will, too.”

Copyright 2010 Meredith Corporation.

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

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3 Golden Rules for Good Behavior

I would like to think that my kids exhibit good behavior – at least most of the time 😉 = this article has a couple of things that we already practice that works really well – especially when you have toddlers.  My favorite, and I did this with both daughters – was letting them feel in control sometimes.  It is not as hard as it sounds and it is not about spoiling them or letting them ‘get their way’ – it is really about handing them the reigns (within limits of course) and this is better done one on one with a child – so I would do it mostly when I only have one child with me.  For example, at a park I would tell her to go where she wants and ‘mommy will follow’ — by follow I don’t mean disappearing or walking far from them – it just means literally letting them go where they want even if we’re holding hands – I have to admit I have the most fun when we do this – I don’t feel the need to ‘suggest’ what is next – she literally points and I go – we’ve explored bridges, picked up rocks, ride on the swings (for what felt like hours) — funny thing is, you would think that after two hours or more of calling the shots they would get all pumped up with toddler power…but on the contrary, I find their mood to get so much mellower and that they actually take ‘suggestions’ so much better after it.  I think it is common sense really – wouldn’t you get crabby as hell if you had someone tell you what to do ALL DAY?  I know I do/would 🙂

For my 6-year-old, I do a modified version of this in airports – I tell her we have – say 30 minutes or an hour before boarding and we can walk anywhere she likes but she has to find our gate.  She studies the airport maps, follow the signs for gate numbers, we go window shopping, she runs around a bit – and she LOVES it.

The singing the author of the article below mentions also reminds me of how we manage to lighten tense moments, I know this sounds weird but sometimes we (or I) sing what I would be nagging about!  It works like a charm most of the time – it is funny and it changes things up a bit – gets particularly interesting when the kids sing their reply back, like Glee – the off-key family edition 🙂

I think its unrealistic to expect perfection or constant good behavior from any child.  God knows I’m barely keeping it together as an adult!  BUT there is a line between letting your kids experiment with different behaviors and hopefully coaxing them into picking the right ones.

3 Golden Rules for Great Behavior

We cut to the chase and tell you what you really need to know to have a well-behaved kid.

By Nancy Rones

Sometimes desperation is the mother of invention. At least it was for me when I finally figured out how to get my son to stop his terrifying habit of bolting from the safety of my clutches in the parking lot. Our struggles had been epic: I’d reach for his hand, his shoulder — or even his jacket hood. And he’d wriggle free and run ahead like a fugitive; the chase would end with a semi-hysterical mom (that would be me) half carrying a crying, squirmy boy. Harrowing, to say the least.

Then I had a moment of clarity about how to make hand-holding more agreeable: Channeling The Black Eyed Peas, I’d sing, “I gotta feeling… that today you’re gonna hold my hand…,” while grabbing his little fingers and swinging them to the beat. Corny even by my low standards, but hey, it worked. Cranking up the silliness factor to avoid a battle of wills is one trick. But with so much advice out there, your toddler could be a tween before you’ve sorted through it all. There is, however, something of a secret: Although there’s no playbook, most experts stand behind these three rock-solid discipline rules.

 1.  Stay Calm!

Guide your child toward better behavior using direct language and an even tone of voice. “Little kids, especially those under 6, are still learning how to listen and interpret the meaning behind your words,” says Kathleen Cranley Gallagher, Ph.D., director of the Family and Childcare Program at the Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill. So focus on making your point clearly. “Crouch down to your child’s eye level and use short statements,” says Dr. Gallagher.

If your toddler has just torn her brand-new The Very Hungry Caterpillar pop-up, say something like: “Gentle hands with books.” It’s much easier for her to understand what you expect when you tell her what you want her to do — as opposed to what you don’t want (“We never rip pages of books”), explains Dr. Gallagher.

If you’re feeling a little too fired up to play the role of Mellow Mom, silently count to ten or take a few deep breaths before diving in. It can also help you chill if you remind yourself that most bad behavior isn’t born from disrespect. “Kids are supposed to test boundaries — that’s how they learn,” says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author ofSuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years. There are many reasons why your daughter may have taken all the clothes out of her drawers or that your son decided to use a permanent marker to draw on his younger brother. “Children get lost in the moment of what they’re doing; what’s motivating them isn’t usually a desire to make you angry,” says Dr. Berman. “Taking it personally will make it harder for you to be calm.”

There’s no need to get all fake nice and completely hide your frustration. You’ll be delivering a mixed message if there’s too much disconnect between your affect and your words. But yelling doesn’t work either. An intense tone could scare your kid and prevent her from hearing what you’re saying. “When you’re screaming, your child has to untangle the emotion from your words, which makes it that much harder for her to absorb what you’re trying to say,” says Dr. Gallagher. Also, kids (like all of us) become desensitized to yelling; if you’re able to keep your angry voice to a minimum, your child will pay attention when you truly need it — for example, to stop her from running into the street or knocking over a hot drink.

2.  Set Limits

Having a few basic rules and being prepared to follow through with consequences if one is broken is the way to teach your child how to handle the frustration of not always getting what he wants — as well as teaching him to take responsibility for his actions. “Your kid might not always be happy about a specific edict, but knowing that there are lines that he can’t cross will help him feel loved — and motivated to cooperate,” says Dr. Berman.

The key is to be both fair and age-appropriate. “Your first priority should be setting limits that relate to health, safety, and basic respect,” says Dr. Gallagher. That means things like always being buckled into the car seat no matter how short the ride and using an inside voice while his baby brother is napping are nonnegotiable. Be choosy about the other “nos.” It might be nice to have a 4-year-old who says “excuse me” before he interrupts your conversation, but excessive regulations will make the key ones harder to enforce.

When your child breaks the rules, consequences provide an opportunity for him to learn the right behavior — and some self-sufficiency along the way. No matter how old your child is, a consequence should be immediate (don’t cancel a playdate that’s three days into the future), related to the “crime” (if he keeps throwing Legos he can’t play with them anymore today), and consistent (every time your kid forgets to wash his hands he has to put down his sandwich and go to the sink — no matter how hungry he is). Once you’ve established your zero-tolerance policies, you may need to add other bad, irritating, or rude behavior to your list, but don’t do it in the moment. Take 24 hours to think through your commitment to regularly and effectively enforce your limits. The more thought and effort you’re willing to expend on a rule, the more likely your child will be to follow it.

3.  Encourage CooperationCreating an easygoing vibe, where rules don’t feel hard for your child to follow, can prevent a lot of bad behavior. “When my kids go wild around bedtime, I’ll ask, ‘Do you want to act really silly for two minutes or three?’ Just recasting a directive as an option creates less resistance,” says Wendy Petricoff, a parenting coach in Charlotte, North Carolina.So create options wherever you can: Will it be the purple skirt or the blue dress for school? An apple versus a banana at snacktime, or when it’s time to leave the playground should we skip or hop our way out? Even if offering choices makes the going a little slower, your child will feel like his opinion matters, and it will help smooth the way when you can’t give him options. “Young kids are in a constant struggle between being dependent and wanting autonomy,'” says Dr. Berman. “So try to find ways to help your child feel more powerful by allowing her to have some sense of control.”When you do anticipate pushback, go for the laugh — putting a diaper on your head can go a long way toward getting a defiant toddler to stay still for changing time. And don’t forget to reward the good, cooperative, cheerful attitude you’ve worked so hard to cultivate. Make sure you offer lots of positive attention and hugs when your child remembers to pick up his toys, pats the baby gently, or beats you to the front door when it’s time to leave the house. It’s all about setting your kid up for success, so everybody wins.Originally published in the June 2011 issue of Parents magazine.Related Features:

Improper Behavior  >>
How Kidding Around Can Discipline Your Kids  >>
Pick Your Battles When Disciplining Toddlers  >>

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

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Gifts You Can Give Your Child Without Spending Money!

I always thought that “I” would never be the parent that would shower my child with material things – I envisioned home-made crafts and lessons on the value of money, etc. etc. Fast forward to now and I’m surfing the web for that Barbie doll that SINGS … this article hit home for me, not only for its tips, but really more as a reminder that what we truly give our kids as parents is really a part of our ‘selves’ — and hopefully our best ‘selves’ and not our worse parts.  I know, I know – sounds cheesy and what do I know?  My child is almost 6 – not quite old enough for me to make lofty conclusions.  What I do know is that every time she is polite to people, appreciative of what she has, or beaming with pride with what she has accomplished – I feel HAPPY being a part of her achieving that feeling or becoming that much better of a human being — and THAT is better than free, it is priceless!

The 6 Best Gifts You Can Give Kids Without Spending Money

As you’re doing your shopping this season, don’t lose sight of the things that truly matter.

By Leslie Garisto Pfaff

There are days when being a mom seems like one endless pop quiz. The baby’s crying when she should be napping. Do you wait to see if she can soothe herself or rush in to rock her? Your preschooler is defying you. Do you calmly explain the rules again or give him a time-out for not listening? And if you choose the wrong option (to these and a thousand other dilemmas), could you scar your kid for life?

Relax. These little dramas aren’t as important as your big-picture approach to being a mom. We’ve zeroed in on the factors that really make a difference in your child’s life.

Make him feel capable.

You’re probably an expert at boosting your kid’s ego with pep talks, praise, and encouragement. However, it’s a lot trickier to stand back and let him handle challenging tasks on his own. “Kids who learn to work things out for themselves are far more likely to try new things, take risks, and grow up to be effective problem-solvers,” says Jim Fay, coauthor of Parenting With Love & Logic. They’re also better equipped to face obstacles head-on rather than retreat at the first sign of adversity.

Smart Steps If you see your child struggling to connect toy train tracks or do his homework, don’t jump in to help right away. Instead, show him how to come up with his own solutions. So when your 4-year-old is upset because his front-loader toy won’t pick up dirt, ask him what’s wrong and how he can fix it. If he’s stumped, try offering a suggestion (“Do you think it would work better if you found softer dirt?”), and then let him try it out for himself.

While there’s nothing wrong with praising your child sometimes, you’ll do more to boost his confidence by asking him to explain his accomplishments than by gushing over them. Rather than saying, “What a great tower!” you might ask him, “How did you build it so high without it collapsing?”

Also let your child know that new and challenging projects may not always work out at first, but that sticking with them is the surest path to success. Ever since her 6-year-old daughter, Lillian, was a baby, Rachel Tayse Baillieul, of Columbus, Ohio, has been open about her own everyday failures as well as her triumphs. When she spilled sugar while refilling the canister recently, Tayse Baillieul said, “Oops — I goofed. I think this would be easier if I did it more slowly.” Her objective is simple: “I want Lillian to know that making mistakes isn’t just okay, it’s also one of the best ways to learn.”

Share your values.Sit down with your partner and discuss the qualities you’d both like to see your child develop. Kindness, tolerance, responsibility, honesty, and persistence are good for starters, suggests Michele Borba, Ed.D., a Parents advisor and the author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. The key is not just to talk about them but to live them.

Smart Steps When you’re reading or watching TV together, point out how a character embodies a positive trait (“Wasn’t it generous of Dora to give half her sandwich to Diego?”) and explain the term to your child (“That means sharing what you have with others”). Even if your preschooler is too young to grasp a concept like empathy, you can still bring it up in simple terms: “It was kind of you to let your cousin have the first turn at Chutes and Ladders. That shows you think about other people, not only yourself.”

You need to be a role model too. If you want your kids to be honest, don’t let them catch you making up an excuse to your in-laws when you turn down their dinner invitation. “Ask yourself, ‘If my child watched me today, what values would she have learned?’ ” advises Dr. Borba.

Watch your words (and tone).Even the most patient parent loses it occasionally. But if you’re about to snap at your child, remember this guideline: Speak to her in the same respectful manner you’d talk to a friend or a coworker. If you do that, she’ll be far more likely to listen, and she’ll always feel comfortable coming to you for help or guidance. “The way you talk to your kids predicts how they are going to talk to you,” explains Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years.

Smart Steps Try to see things from your child’s perspective. If she freaks out because she can’t find her favorite stuffed animal, you might be annoyed that she’s overreacting. But rather than saying, “Oh, calm down — it’s got to be here somewhere,” show her that you get how she feels (“I know you’re sad because you want to play with Mr. Bear, but he’s hiding right now. Why don’t you see if Dolly can help us find him?”).

Nurture your relationship.”Happy couples give kids a sense of security and predictability,” says William J. Doherty, Ph.D., a Parents advisor and the author of Take Back Your Marriage. While your kids might say “Yuck!” when they catch you and your husband kissing, PDAs and lovey-dovey talk provide them with a blueprint for developing their own healthy relationships down the road.

Smart Steps Carve out regular couple time — even 15 minutes a day after the kids are asleep can keep you in sync. A biweekly date night is even better. “Not only does going out alone benefit your relationship, but it also sends your kids the message that you enjoy each other’s company,” says Dr. Doherty.

Chrissy Smith, of Landaff, New Hampshire, believes a good marriage is central to the well-being of her kids, Siobhan, 9, and Emma, 3. “When Tom and I get annoyed at each other, we make a point of laughing about it later,” she says. Although you should try not to argue in front of your children, when you do disagree let them see you make up. That way they’ll realize your relationship is strong enough to weather the occasional storm.

Manage your own stress.Your child learns to cope with challenges and disappointments by watching how you do it. Dealing with pressure or anger in a productive way provides a prototype for him to follow and also creates a home environment that seems stable, predictable, and safe — and, by extension, a sense that the world is all of those things too, says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., author of The Big Book of Stress Relief Games.

Smart Steps Start by becoming a more organized planner. Clearing your calendar the day before the school bake sale (so you’re not up past midnight finishing the muffins you promised to make) and saving money every week so you’ll have enough to pay for a family vacation are two steps that might make you feel more in command. Look for ways to reduce unnecessary tension. “Simple things, like cleaning out your kitchen cabinets so you don’t have to search for items, or replacing a throw rug you’re always tripping over, can make a big difference in your outlook,” says Dr. Epstein. If you feel overwhelmed by work or by caring for your child, consider a relaxation technique such as yoga, meditation, or deep breathing, or find a friend or a professional you can talk to.

Of course, it’s also helpful to remember that life doesn’t always go as planned. Neil McNerney, a family counselor and dad from Reston, Virginia, recalls swaddling his newborn, Max, exactly as the nurse had instructed, only to watch in frustration as his son wriggled out of the blanket like an infant Houdini. “I knew right then that he wasn’t going to do what I wanted; he was going to do what he wanted,” he says. As Max grew into a stubborn toddler and then a headstrong preschooler, McNerney came to realize that while he could guide and teach his son, he’d never truly have control over his behavior. He and his wife, Colleen, have taken comfort from that insight ever since.

Kiss and tell.Many studies have shown that children who feel cherished by their parents tend to be more secure and self-confident than those who don’t. “Kids have a universal need to feel loved,” says Parents advisor Kyle Pruett, M.D., coauthor of Partnership Parenting. Acts of affection will do more than reassure your child: Research from the University of Wisconsin-Madison has found that they’ll actually cause her to release oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone” that offsets negative and stressful feelings.

Smart Steps Say “I love you” every day when your child leaves for school and goes to bed. There are plenty of wordless ways to convey the same sentiment. Wrap yourself and your child in a blanket on a cool evening as you read together, slip a little note into her lunch box (“Enjoy your sandwich. Can’t wait to see you later”), or give her a fluttery butterfly kiss.

Kate Burch, of Norman, Oklahoma, uses the power of touch to let her daughters, Ashton, 8, and Sydney, 5, know they’re adored. “I tickle them awake in the morning, and we cuddle on the couch after dinner,” she says. The routine has become as essential to Burch as to her kids. “During a busy day, these moments reduce my tension and make me smile — and you can’t say that about too many other things in your day.”

Originally published in the December 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

Related Features:

How to Raise Well-Rounded Kids  >>
Nurture a Compassionate Child  >>
Encourage a Child to Give  >>

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

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12 EASY Time Savers!

I always thought that when I quit my job I’d have oceans of time open up in front of me like Moses and the Nile.  HA…There never seems to be enough time!  I like what this Parenting.Com article says — in short, organize, you can’t do everything, and don’t be so hard on yourself 🙂  Reminders most of us moms/parents need — I’ve started realizing that time is also a way of thinking – do you let time manage you or do you manage your time?  

When I feel like I’ve been herding my family all day, I take a one minute breathing break and make time ‘stop’ – and that really helps – I make time stop by becoming hyper aware of things around me – I take a deep breath – try figuring out the birds chirping, the leaves rustling, I look around and take mental ‘pictures’ of my surroundings – funny – someone gave me this suggestion when it came to my wedding – she was saying how fast it goes by and needing to stop time by pausing and looking around soaking everything in – and that is what I do once in a while now!

I know this post is supposed to be time savers – but I look at this two ways – doing things more efficiently by saving time, but also savoring what time you have so it matters.  With my kids growing like weeds, I know this time is fleeting (sob) so I try spending the time enjoying it rather than stressing about rushing towards something else or by heaping more expectations on myself – i.e. how I spent a couple of hours cutting and glueing felt so that my daughter would have her name on skewers that I would then place into the fruit salad as a centerpiece for her birthday celebration in school…and we ended up not using them (eye roll) – the kids were so busy rushing towards the food it didn’t matter.  Ugh, we all throw away time in more ways than one…

12 Ways to Stop Throwing Away Time

Forget Fashion Whims

Avoid the whole trying-to-pick-out-the-perfect-outfit morning madness. At the beginning of the week, Mommysavers.com founder Kimberly Danger sorts out seven outfits with her kids and puts each one together in a sweater rack or shoe cubby. This saves time in the morning and also short-circuits potential arguments about what to wear.

 

Buy Gifts When You See Them

Don’t run to the store every time your child gets a birthday-party invite. Instead, stock up on one-size-fits-all kid presents whenever you spot a sale. Keep your treasures on a designated closet shelf so there’s always something you can pull out, wrap, and give.

 

Watch Only the Good Stuff on TV

There’s no reason to sit through commercials — record your favorite shows, then fast-forward through the ads. If you must watch television in real time, hit the mute button and, during the breaks, sort the mail or catch up on magazines.

 

Stop Competing with Martha

Who says the cookies you send in for the preschool bake sale need to be from scratch? There’s a reason grocery stores sell refrigerated dough. And when you are baking, don’t underestimate the power of aluminum foil. You can line any baking dish or cookie sheet with it, and then you don’t have the hassle of scrubbing pans.

 

Stay Organized

Touch mail no more than twice. Don’t let paper pile up on the kitchen counter — put all the flyers and catalogs you know you’re never going to look at in the recycling bin; as you receive monthly bills, throw away the outer envelopes and place the bills in a to-be-paid folder. Same goes for e-mail: Answer it immediately, then delete.

 

Don’t Be a Short-Order Cook

Forget asking your kids what they want to eat. As they’re debating ham and cheese versus PB&J, you could have already packed the lunchbox and sent them out the door. As for dinner, don’t even think about making different foods for each member of the family. Kids can eat what the grown-ups are served. Or fix a bowl of cereal.

 

Ask the Babysitter to Pitch In

As long as you’re paying the teenager down the street, ask her if she’ll fold some laundry or straighten the toy shelves while she watches TV after the kids are asleep.

 

Join the Car Pool

Sure, it’s tough to entrust your child to someone else’s minivan. But if you don’t share the driving with friends, you’ll end up living in your vehicle as you ferry your child to school and sports and other activities. (And think of the money you’ll save on gas.)

 

Be Smart About Comparison Shopping

Sure, every penny counts, but when you’re running from store to store to get the best price on a sack of potatoes, the gas alone isn’t worth it. Save money the old-fashioned way — clip coupons and make just one trip.

 

Get the Kids to Help with Laundry

Even a 3-year-old can master a simple sorting system. Set up a couple of baskets — one for whites, another for colors — in his room. Also, teach kids that clothes can usually be worn more than once before they need to be washed. This doesn’t dawn on most of them until they go away to college and start doing their own laundry.

 

Plan for Leftovers

If you’re spending the time to whip up dinner, double or triple the recipe and freeze it. You get two or three meals for the same time it took you to make one.

 

Don’t Be a Slave to the Changing Table

It seemed so necessary when you bought it, but that changing table isn’t the only place you can do diaper duty. Keep a few clean diapers and changing pads stashed throughout your house to save you from running back and forth to the nursery.

Originally published in the November 2008 issue of Parents magazine.

 

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

Related articles

• Ways to Maximize Family Time! (declutterorganizerepurpose.wordpress.com)

Beware the obsession of Glitter Nail Polish!

Ok, so I am the dad of two wonderful girls.  My oldest (Julia) is turning 6 in a couple of weeks and my youngest (Stella) is 2.5 (but thinks she’s 5-6 like her big sister).  So, when my wife was giving herself a mini-pedicure this past weekend, she also told our 6 year-old she could have her toe nails painted and did a coat of pink and then a clear glitter coat…well, what’s good for the 6 year-old is good enough for the 2.5 year-old who then insisted on “my turn!”  So, this was the very first time Stella had her toe nails painted and we did just the clear glitter coat.  While my wife started Stella’s toe nails, for whatever reason, Stella decided she wanted “Daddy do it” – so there I was putting glitter nail polish on my preschooler!  I was the only one in the household without nail polish on and it made me almost paint my nails – NOT.

At any rate, it’s been a few days and the nail polish on both girls has started to chip off.  Julia doesn’t mind…but tonight during Stella’s bath she looks at her toes and starts to cry, almost inconsolably, about the shiny being off her toes!  OMG, so we had to promise her that we’d paint her toes again to stop the crying, finish her bath and get her dressed in her PJs…and she held us to it!  Asking/demanding right away for “Daddy do it.”

So I told my wife she created a monster, by letting our 2.5 year-old get her toe nails painted with glitter polish.  Now Stella is obsessed with Sephora Jewel Top Coats Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild glitter polish!

Just another one of my true life stories as a Dad of two daughters 🙂

Staying Active as a Family

With summer break just around the corner, this has been top of mind for us.  Sad to say – we aren’t the most outdoorsy family – my wife and I went on an ‘easy’ one hour hike and it ended up taking two hours because we got lost.  We are trying!  I think becoming parents really shines a huge magnifying glass on what little issues one might have – and in our case – we’re not great exercisers or sporty people.  It’s easy to fall back to what you’re used to and leading your kids the same way – so we’ve been a lot more cognizant of raising our kids differently (although the last time our 5-year-old went hiking – she couldn’t quite understand why we were outdoors walking to no particular destination lol – we still got some work to do ;0) )  For this summer my wife and I have identified some goals – like swimming for our 5-year-old and maybe golf too, and lots of splash pad/playground time plus dance class for our toddler. There is fun in activities, learning, and also time to just veg out.

Hope you guys also have a great summer!

Hop To It

Keeping your family active can tax your imagination but it doesn’t need to tax your budget. Vacations, museum and zoo visits, movie nights, and craft sessions all have their place in your schedule but lively playtime has the added benefit of being healthy for everyone. The idea is to have fun, keep moving, and spend time together.

Grounds For Action

With so many opportunities for children to participate in organized sports and events, it’s important to allow time for unstructured fun. Perhaps the easiest way to keep your family active is to take them to a playground; walk if possible for a little extra exercise. Teach children to use the equipment safely and encourage them to stretch their skills under your supervision.

Riding High

Bicycling is a sport that kids and adults can enjoy together most months of the year. Start with short rides with frequent breaks for young children and make sure they understand good biking etiquette and the laws that govern public byways. More towns and cities are constructing bike paths that provide safer family outings for all ages and abilities. Be sure that all bikers wear well-fitting protective head gear.

Build It, They Will Come

Kids love to build things and the bigger, the better! Constructing forts is an activity that works indoors or out but outside gives you and your budding architects more scope. Not only does it foster problem-solving skills but it fuels the imagination as well. All the items you need can be found around the house: blankets, chairs, old rugs, leftover plywood, cardboard boxes. If you have a clothesline, you’ve already got a jumpstart as these make great armatures for draping blankets.

On the Hunt

Stage a scavenger hunt for the whole family. You can make your list of common items for players to find from things found within your house and yard or you can enlarge it to encompass the neighborhood. For a neighborhood hunt, alert your neighbors or invite them to join the fun and make it a family competition. Team the youngest players with adults for safety.

Get Wet

Sometimes the simplest pleasures are the best and they are often right outside your door. On a warm day, set up the lawn sprinkler or an inexpensive water slide, get everyone into swimsuits and let the fun begin. Even an effortless activity like this can have a powerful influence on the lives of young children and strengthen family bonds when shared with parents and older siblings.

In the Swim

Swimming lessons are a great way for kids to get healthy exercise and learn how to enjoy water sports safely. But when the lessons are over, get the whole family in the pool together for games like water volleyball or basketball or just unstructured silliness and splashing around. Getting parents and older siblings in the pool, too, will help younger kids develop confidence and safe habits in the water.

Backyard Olympics

Organize a backyard track meet and get the neighborhood involved if you can or plan one in a nearby play park. Use talcum powder to set up race lanes in the grass and place flags at your start and finish lines. Run sack races and three-legged races pairing older and younger participants so that everyone has an equal chance to win. Set up a measuring stick and see who can jump the highest and the farthest. If you have a set of horseshoes, see who can toss them the farthest; use flags to mark everyone’s best try.

Stage Right

If building a fort isn’t up your child’s alley, how about a backyard theater instead? Children love dressing up and pretending, so why not give them the chance to act out their favorite stories? Let everyone, even the youngest actor, get involved in the planning and finding elements for the stage and costumes. Your backdrop can be as unfussy as a blanket hung from a clothesline or a canvas painted with scenery.

Play Ball

Organized games and sports can fill a summer and are important for building teamwork and sportsmanship, but impromptu ball games in the yard or neighborhood can also help build skills and confidence in a less stressful environment and build family relationships at the same time. Rotate positions during the games so that everyone has a chance to expand their abilities.

Washed Up

Give the family a chore that’s also fun — a car wash. Pull out all the vehicles — even the little red wagon if it’s a bit dusty — grab the hose, and fill buckets with soapy water. Even toddlers can wash the lower panels of a car or the tires. Encourage safe water fights but make sure that everyone gets a turn with the hose! Hand around car towels to buff everything (and everyone!) to a squeaky clean shine.

Take a Hike

Walk a nature trail at a local or state park. Have your child spot unusual plants (don’t allow them to touch them unless you’re sure they’re safe and never allow your children to pull up plants or flowers). See what animals you can find and identify. Bring a field guide to birds, binoculars, and a digital camera to record your success. Take along some compact refreshments to keep everyone quiet and focused on the task, but be sure to hang onto all disposables until you get home.

Copyright © 2009 Meredith Corporation.

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

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• Summer Fun: How to Save Money on Summer Trips (momitforward.com)
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Building a Child’s Independence Part 4 – At Play

Isn’t it funny that on one hand parents are trying their best to spend more time with their kids (and rightly so), yet on the other hand we also try to encourage kids to learn how to do things independently and ‘by themselves’?  As a SAHM, it has always been a strange balance for me – I have to admit – there are just times when doing things for them is just SO MUCH EASIER – and there are times when I would give an eye or a tooth for the kids to PLAY ALONE for a while.  Sometimes wishing and making my kids play alone does bring out feelings of guilt :o( such as – why can’t I morph into Mary Poppins, sing songs, do educational games and teach them Singapore math all day long?!??  Isn’t that why I opted to become a stay at home mom?!?!  Anyway, I didn’t set out to write this post to air my (many) psychosis.  In time I realized (1) There is a difference between encouraging independent play and neglect, and (2) The kids actually thrive and enjoy being able to play on their own, if they are given ways and means to do so.

Independent Play vs. Neglect (or in other words ‘Let me ignore you till you figure out how to play by yourself’) 

Another aha moment for me – was when I realized that in some ways encouraging independent play actually requires more work and actual guidance and planning on the part of the parent.  Yes, I’ve read those articles about setting toys on the ground and slowly walking away – but honestly although that is fine and dandy, my kids aren’t wired to sit with a pile of toys and be alone – that method just wasn’t engaging enough.  If anything, I think they started associating piles of toys = mommy walking away = not good!  By experience I’ve also realized that independent play times varies by age – I’m not going to get hours of alone time – one activity for a  2 year-old might mean a good 5 minutes to at best 20 minutes – this really helped me with my level of expectations.

By the way, in my opinion, TV is not independent play, even if princess or junior can turn on the TV and work the 5 remotes and set up the surround sound themselves.  I’m not saying absolutely no TV – we are a moderate TV watching family ourselves – I’m just saying that it doesn’t count ;o).  That is what I mean by it is not that simple, the way I see it, my kids day are divided into segments and not every minute will be independent play, just like not every minute should be one of anything, but rather a balance of multiple things.  Here is my definition of productive independent play –

1.  Children can make decisions themselves on what they want to do.
2.  Interesting activities or projects they can do themselves.  Variety (but not overwhelming variety) and simplicity.  For young ones it will be more motor skill related and as they get older it becomes more experimental or learning based.
3. They should also be able to ‘undo’ or clean-up the activity and return it for the next play time.
4.  Although I said that we shouldn’t expect kids to spend hours on an activity by themselves, if they DO want to spend a LOT of time on one  – encourage it!  Do not stop their focus just to have them start another activity.  Kids can have an insatiable appetite for a particular activity/toy and when their desire is filled, they will move on to the next thing :-).
5. Nothing that requires electronics or batteries.

Enabling Independent Play

What I’ve started doing is trying to mimic the Montessori or pre-school ‘tray’ system for my toddler and it has worked like a charm!  She is so much happier (and so am I).  There are tons of blogs out there with hundreds of ideas for ‘toddler trays’  – don’t get overwhelmed just start with 1 to 3.  My biggest suggestion which I learned from my older daughter’s wonderful pre-school Montessori guide is not to just hand the child the tray or project.  You must start every new tray with a ‘lesson’ – that means setting it up and showing her/him how to use it (you model it yourself – ‘pick up the tray,’ etc.)  – emphasize that your child just ‘watch’ you go from taking it out all the way to clean-up and putting it back.  It’s not easy for my toddler to control herself, but it is cute to see her try and watch :o).

For older kids – it’s all about (unfortunately) organization and access.  An area for books, with a place to read, a shelf of neatly arranged toys (this is where toy rotation comes in).  A craft or art area (doesn’t have to be elaborate) – my oldest LOVES TV but I find that we almost never struggle with regulating her TV since there is just so much other stuff she would like to do on her own – reading, writing, playing with her dolls etc.

Just like everything else in child rearing, it is a day-by-day learning experience for all of us ;o) and remember, each child is different and family dynamics is also constantly changing.  I think part of building independence over-all is giving our children space to grow and allowing them to learn how to learn on their own (and in their own way).

Related Links:

– How to Encourage Independent Play 

– Toddler Tray Activities 

Related articles

• Building a Child’s Independence Part 2 – In the Kitchen (declutterorganizerepurpose.wordpress.com)
• Building a Child’s Independence Part 1 – In the Bedroom (declutterorganizerepurpose.wordpress.com)
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• Montessori At Home Roundup (apartmenttherapy.com)

Our Thoughts on Discipline – Techniques to Tame Your Kid’s Tantrums

I guess we’re sort of lucky – both our kids (or at least more of our oldest one) – tended not to throw tantrums – I have to admit in our case it might be a mixture of genetics and attachment parenting.  When either child would start acting up I would wear them (in a baby/child carrier) and that would pretty much nip it in the bud – I swear my youngest is more temperamental because she’s bigger than her sister was at her age so I tend to shy away from carrying her all the time :0/ .  There are times with my toddler that things do seem to get out of hand real quick especially when I don’t understand her.  There is always a fine line between ‘giving in’ and responding positively to her needs being a stay at home mom – I really can’t tolerate growing levels of whining which tend to end in tantrums – because that would then take up most of my time – and with no ‘break’ away from my child I can’t exactly ‘leave’ to cool down myself – so I go out of my way to avoid a tantrum.  Before children, I never understood why parents were so anal about naps — well now I know.  It really IS important – having a schedule, making sure kids (and parents) are rested and having activities where the kids can expend energy are all very important.

10 Ways to Tame Your Kid’s Tantrums

When your kid’s in the middle of a tantrum, it can be tough to keep yourself from having your own meltdown, too.
“Meltdowns are terrible, nasty things, but they’re a fact of childhood,” says Ray Levy, PhD, a Dallas-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies That Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation. “Young kids — namely those between the ages of 1 and 4 — haven’t developed good coping skills yet. They tend to just lose it instead.” And what, exactly, sets them off to begin with? Every single tantrum, Levy says, results from one simple thing: not getting what they want. “For children between 1 and 2, tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need — more milk, a diaper change, that toy over there — but not having the language skills to do it,” says Levy. “They get frustrated when you don’t respond to what they’re ‘saying’ and throw a fit.” For older toddlers, tantrums are more of a power struggle. “By the time kids are 3 or 4, they have grown more autonomous,” Levy adds. “They’re keenly aware of their needs and desires — and want to assert them more. If you don’t comply? Tantrum city.”
So how can you stop these outbursts? What follows are 10 freak-out fixes that both parenting experts and other moms swear by.

Ignore the Kid

The reason this works is fascinating: “During a tantrum, your child is literally out of his mind. His emotions take over — overriding the frontal cortex of the brain, the area that makes decisions and judgments,” says Jay Hoecker, MD, a Rochester, Minnesota, pediatrician. “That’s why reasoning doesn’t help — the reasoning part of his brain isn’t working.” Says Alan Kazdin, PhD, author of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, “Once you’re in a situation where someone’s drowning, you can’t teach them to swim — and it’s the same with tantrums. There’s nothing to do in the moment that will make things better. In fact, almost anything you try will make it worse. Once he chills out, then you can talk.”

Give Your Child Some Space

“Sometimes a kid just needs to get his anger out. So let him!” says Linda Pearson, a nurse practitioner and author ofThe Discipline Miracle. (Just make sure there’s nothing in tantrum’s way that could hurt him.) “I’m a big believer in this approach because it helps children learn how to vent in a nondestructive way. They’re able to get their feelings out, pull themselves together, and regain self-control — without engaging in a yelling match or battle of wills with you.” This trick can work on its own or in tandem with the whole ignoring bit.

Create a Diversion

This is all about a deft mental switcheroo — getting your kid engaged and interested in something else so she forgets about the meltdown she was just having. “My purse is filled with all sorts of distractions, like toys — ones my kids haven’t seen in a while, books, and yummy snacks,” says Alisa Fitzgerald, a mom of two from Boxford, Massachusetts. Whenever a tantrum happens, she busts ’em out, one at a time, until something gets the kids’ attention. “I’ve also found that distraction can help ward off a major meltdown before it happens, if you catch it in time,” she adds. If your kid is about to go off the deep end at the supermarket because you won’t buy the super-frosted sugar-bomb cereal, try quickly switching gears and enthusiastically saying something like, “Hey, we need some ice cream. Want to help me pick a flavor?” or “Ooh, check out the lobster tank over there!” Explains Levy: “Children have pretty short attention spans — which means they’re usually easy to divert. And it always helps if you sound really, really psyched when you do it. It gets their mind off the meltdown and on to the next thing that much faster.” Fitzgerald agrees: “You have to channel your inner actress and be an entertainer — one with props!”

Find Out What’s Really Frustrating Your Kid

This trick is for tantrums among the under-2-and-a-half set, says Dr. Hoecker. “Children this age usually have a vocabulary of only about 50 words and can’t link more than two together at a time. Their communication is limited, yet they have all these thoughts and wishes and needs to be met. When you don’t get the message or misunderstand, they freak out to release their frustration.” One solution, he says: sign language. Teaching your child how to sign a few key words — such as more, food, milk, and tired — can work wonders.
Another approach is to empathize with your kid, which helps take some of the edge off the tantrum, and then play detective. “My 22-month-old throws tantrums that can last up to — yikes! — 20 minutes,” says Melanie Pelosi, a mom of three from West Windsor, New Jersey. “We’ve taught her some words in sign language, but if she wants something like a movie, she won’t know how to ask for it — and still freaks out. So I say, ‘Show me what you want,’ and then I see if she’ll point to it. It’s not always obvious, but with a little time and practice you begin to communicate better. If she points to her older brother, for example, that usually means that he’s snatched something away from her, and I can ask him to give it back. I can’t tell you how many awful, drawn-out meltdowns we’ve avoided this way!”

Hugs

“This may feel like the last thing you want to do when your kid is freaking out, but it really can help her settle down,” Levy says. “I’m talking about a big, firm hug, not a supercuddly one. And don’t say a word when you do it — again, you’d just be entering into a futile battle of wills. Hugs make kids feel secure and let them know that you care about them, even if you don’t agree with their behavior.” Cartwright Holecko, of Neenah, Wisconsin, finds that it helps: “Sometimes I think they just need a safe place to get their emotions out.”

Offer Food or Suggest a Little R&R

“Being tired and hungry are the two biggest tantrum triggers,” says Levy. Physically, the kid is already on the brink, so it won’t take much emotionally to send him over. “Parents often come to me wondering why their child is having daily meltdowns. And it turns out they’re happening around the same time each day — before lunch or naptime and in the early evening. It’s no coincidence! My advice: feed them, water them, and let them veg — whether that means putting them to bed or letting them watch a little TV.” Think how cranky you get when you miss out on sleep or your blood sugar hits rock bottom, he says. With young kids, who have greater sleep and food needs, the effect is magnified tenfold.

Give Your Kid Incentive to Behave

Certain situations are trying for kids. Maybe it’s sitting through a long meal at a restaurant or staying quiet in church. Whatever the hissy hot button, this is the trick: “It’s about recognizing when you’re asking a lot of your child and offering him a little preemptive bribe,” Pearson says. “While you’re on your way to the restaurant, for example, tell him, ‘Alex, Mommy is asking you to sit and eat your dinner nicely tonight. I really think you can do it! And if you can behave, then when we get home I’ll let you watch a video.'” For the record, Pearson says this kind of bribery is perfectly fine, as long as it’s done on your terms and ahead of time — not under duress in the middle of a tantrum. If your kid starts to lose it at any point, gently remind him about the “treat” you discussed. “It’s amazing how this can instantly whip them back into shape,” says Pearson.

Speak Calmly

This is a biggie — and is much easier said than done. But experts insist you must keep your cool during a child’s tantrum. “Otherwise, you’ll get into a power struggle and make the whole thing escalate. Plus, part of the reason kids resort to tantrums is to get attention,” Dr. Hoecker says. “They don’t care if it’s positive or negative attention they’re getting. All they care about is that you’re giving them 100 percent of it.” Levy agrees, and adds: “Talking in a soothing voice shows your child that you’re not going to let her behavior get to you. It also helps you stay relaxed — when what you really want to do is yell right back. In fact, the calm tone is as much for the parent as the child! If you’re tense, your kid will pick up on it, and it’s going to amp her up even more.”

Laugh It Off

Every parent dreads public tantrums, for obvious reasons. You worry other parents will think you’re a bad mom — that you’ve raised an out-of-control demon child. But that, says Kazdin, can tempt you to make choices that will only lead to more fits. “Kids, even very young ones, are smart,” he says. “If you get angry or stressed or cave in and let him get his way just to end the meltdown before more people start staring, he’ll learn that — aha! — it works.” Your best bet, Kazdin says, is to suck it up, plaster a little Mona Lisa smile on your face, and pretend everything is just peachy. And what are others thinking? “We know from studies that the only thing people judge is your reaction to the meltdown,” says Levy. “If you look calm and like you’ve got it under control — yes, even though you’re not doing anything to stop the fit — they think, Now that’s a good mom.”

Get Out of There

Getting kids away from the scene of the tantrum can snap them out of it. “It’s also a great strategy when you’re out and about,” says Levy. “If your child starts melting down over a toy or candy bar he wants, pick him up and take him either to a different area of the store or outside until he calms down. Changing the venue really can change the behavior.”
Originally published in the October 2008 issue of American Baby magazine.

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http://www.parents.comBringing together the power of respected magazine brands including American Baby and Parents, the Parents Network is your go-to destination for parenting information. From first kicks to first steps and on to the first day of school, we are here to help you celebrate the joys and navigate the challenges of parenthood.

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The “Mother’s Day Card”

Mother’s Day card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yep, we had a nice simple Mother’s Day this past weekend…and the card I’m writing about in this blog post is not from Hallmark or American Greetings, it is not an e-card or home-made by me and my girls…it is the “It is Mother’s Day CARD.”  Here’s the story:

So Sunday morning my almost 6 year-old daughter comes into our room around 7:45am and snuggles with us, but is not going back to sleep.  So with my wife and our 2.5 year old still getting some good Z’s, Julia and I head out to get flowers and breakfast.  We are gone for just under an hour and when we arrive home my wife is in the shower and our toddler, Stella, is watching a PBS cartoon.  Stella is potty training and about 80% there when it comes to pee, but doesn’t like sitting on the potty to poop and rather do it in her underpants  Well, she did #2 that morning and my wife changed her poopy underpants and was sure to let me know it.  We all enjoyed breakfast together and then went to the park.  In the afternoon, Stella pooped again and although I was almost half asleep on the sofa with Julia laying on top of me, my wife pulled the “It’s Mother’s Day” card…I alreday had to clean her poop once!  And thus I was required to get my butt off the sofa and handle Stella’s poopy butt and dirty underpants 😦  Then in the evening we all enjoyed dinner out.

So, next month it is my turn…Sunday, June 17th is Father’s Day and I have the right to pull out “The Father’s Day Card”! 😉

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Our Thoughts on Discipline — Our Way or the Highway – NOT

Sigh… I think I’ve said it a million times (cue whining music) why are things so much harder with REAL parenting?!?!?!? Discipline has got to be in the top 5, right up there with potty training and sleep training. But the WORST thing about discipline is that unlike sleep training and potty training, you are pretty much needing to get your act together until your child is a voter/driver/legal-aged drinker! I grew up with the old-fashioned discipline of fear and in some cases pain, or fear of pain (via spanking or pinching – ow!) Yet here I stand – an adult with two children and although I (think) I grew up to become a (relatively?) good and responsible human being – I can’t bring myself to physically discipline my children – it just doesn’t work for me mentally – and happily my husband is the same way. Our hands do clench into painful claws sometimes, but that’s pretty much it.

I never quite understood why it didn’t make sense for me. I’m not one to say its an ethical or moral thing. I don’t think my parents were abusive or unloving in any way. Then I attended a talk by Dr. Robert Brooks, and someone in the audience asked him a question about corporal punishment and he was adamantly against it – I found his reasoning quite perfect – (this isn’t verbatim by the way) what he said was that physical discipline does nothing for the child because it starts a bad cycle of wrongdoing and punishment (from a person of authority), what we should be aiming for is self-discipline – a child that knows he/she is doing wrong and corrects themselves. Yeah, I know — but it makes sense, especially when you see yourself correcting the same thing over and over again – your child won’t have you to correct them all day everyday for the rest of their lives. It is actually harder to discipline the non-corporal punishment way to be honest — we rely on a mixture of tough consequences and hopeful understanding of the cause. Dr. Brooks has a couple of very in-depth articles on spanking online – one is Perspectives on Discipline: Does Spanking Really Have a Role? Here is an excerpt —

First, a reminder about the meaning of discipline. We must not forget that the word discipline stems from the word disciple and is best conceived of as a teaching process. As a form of education, discipline should not be linked to so-called teaching practices that serve to humiliate, scare, or embarrass children…

What I consider to be another major function of discipline is to reinforce the development of self-discipline or self-control. Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence,” views self-discipline as one of the crucial components of emotional intelligence, a component that serves as a source of satisfying interpersonal relationships and success in various facets of one’s life. Self-discipline implies that a child has incorporated rules so that even when a parent or other adult is not present, the child will act in a thoughtful, considerate fashion. Self-discipline may be viewed as learning to take responsibility for one’s own behavior. Most of us do not want to be with other adults who lack self-discipline and are constantly yelling, shouting, saying hurtful things, jumping to conclusions, or blaming others.

Parents Magazine had an excellent article on ‘Guilt Free’ parenting – the article goes through both pitfalls and solutions in disciplining your kid/s. It is one of the ironies of parenting – you know you have to discipline your kids – yet there is guilt involved – mostly we are hard-wired to seeing our kids happy – so seeing unhappiness even for their own good does bring out the guilt (unless you are one of those hard-core military parents, which unfortunately we are not). In our case, for the most part our oldest daughter is really pretty ‘good’ SO when we do need to discipline her there is always that niggling feeling of being ‘tough’ on her since she is so often such a well behaved girl… (ugh, we are certifiable really) – so I do relate with the title of this article. Sometimes parenting too much from your heart messes with your brain ;0)

Guilt-Free Discipline

Let Go of the Guilt!

Parents today are obsessed with being “perfect,” says Jodi Stoner, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and coauthor of Good Manners Are Contagious. “Parents are under so much stress these days, working long hours and spending more time out of the house,” she says. “When Mom and Dad are home, they want to spend quality time with the kids, and when they have to take time out to discipline, they feel guilty.” And that’s a dangerous emotion, says Kevin Leman, Ph.D., a family psychologist and author of Have a New Kid by Friday. “Guilt is the propellant for most of the bad decisions parents make. As a result, today’s kids are all about ‘me, me, me,’ and ‘gimme.’ They are held accountable less and less and have fewer responsibilities in the family. Fewer children today consider others before themselves because they’ve never been taught to think that way.” No wonder experts agree: Discipline is key.

Create a Blueprint for Discipline

The Problem: One parent wants to be “the fun one,” which leaves the other parent in charge of discipline — and always feeling like “the bad guy.”

The Solution:
Mom and Dad are a team, and it’s essential that they’re on the same page when it comes to discipline, Dr. Stoner says. “You should not try to discipline in the moment. Punishments and rewards should have a rhyme and reason to them,” she says. “Sit down and discuss what values you want to give to your children. How will you teach good manners and proper behavior? What bothers one parent might not bother the other, so you need to come up with some clear rules — no hitting, no talking back, etc. — and consequences for breaking them. And both parents need to take responsibility for disciplining the kids.”

Understand Your Job

The Problem: You feel like you’re constantly saying no to your child.

The Solution:
“Saying no 100 times a day is part of being a parent,” says Tom Phelan, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. “Once you accept that, you won’t feel as if you’re doing something wrong and guilt won’t be a factor.” However, you can use other methods of discipline besides the big N-O. For example, if your child asks to watch TV, you can answer with “Sure — after you’ve picked up your toys.” Here, you’re actually saying yes to the request, but with a stipulation.

Give Yourself a Time-Out

The Problem: You sometimes start yelling when the kids misbehave, then feel awful about it afterward.

The Solution:
It can be easy to lose your patience with your kids, but once you start screaming and yelling, you’re taking the situation to a whole new level and have sent the message you’re no longer in control. “It’s impossible to discipline effectively when you’re angry or stressed out,” says Rex Forehand, Ph.D., a child behavior expert and coauthor of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child. Instead, he suggests implementing the four Rs. “You need to Recognize that you’ve lost patience, and Remove yourself from the situation,” Dr. Forehand says. “Once you’ve cooled down a bit, you can then Review the situation and Respond to it.”

Ignore Your Child’s Bad Behavior

The Problem: Your child has tantrums in the supermarket, toy store, etc. — and nothing you do can make it better.

The Solution:
First, let’s make one thing clear: Every parent has had to handle a child’s public tantrum. Still, it’s tough to remember that when it feels as if all eyes are on you. The worst thing to do is engage a child in the middle of a meltdown. Yelling or attempting to compromise or reason with her will only make the tantrum worse and increase your stress levels. The best way to tackle a tantrum is to ignore it, Dr. Leman says. “When your child is throwing a tantrum, the purpose is to get attention and to exert authority over you. And if throwing tantrums has worked in the past, your child will continue to throw them in the future.” Dr. Leman’s suggestion is to step over the child, totally ignore the behavior, and move on with whatever else you were doing. Nine times out of 10, your child will get up and follow you. If you’re in public, don’t be so worried about what other people will think — this is about nipping this bad behavior in the bud.

Don’t Feel the Need to Explain Everything

The Problem: From putting his coat on before you leave the house and getting into the car seat, to eating his veggies and taking a bath, everything with your child feels like a battle.

The Solution:
“Why” is a child’s favorite question. Children of all ages love to use oppositional behavior to test their limits. Parents often make the mistake of trying to reason with their child when she’s misbehaving, which usually leads to more arguing. Instead of getting into a debate that will eventually lead to tears (sometimes for both of you), offer her a firm — and nonnegotiable — reason for why she needs to do what you’re telling her. If she does something that can hurt her or another child, simply say: “We don’t do this — it’s dangerous.” When she throws her toys: “We don’t throw toys. It’s time to put them away.” If she doesn’t want to be strapped into her car seat: “It’s the law, so you need to sit in your car seat or we are not going anywhere.” “Don’t banter back and forth with your child,” Dr. Phelan says. “You’ve made your decision and you’re done.”

Be Consistent

The Problem: You know you shouldn’t, but you sometimes let bad behavior slide to avoid a confrontation.

The Solution:
Your little one has decided to empty all of his toy bins onto the living room floor. He usually gets a time-out for this behavior, but it’s the end of the day and you’re beat. It’s okay to let him get away with it just this one time, right? Wrong, Dr. Stoner says. Letting it go sends the message that this behavior is okay, so you have no one to blame but yourself when your child drives you crazy with it later on. “There has to be a consequence every time a child does something he shouldn’t. You can’t do it sometimes and not others. Initially, it’s a lot of work for the parents, but it pays off in the long run.”

Practice Encouragement, Not Praise

The Problem: Your child expects a reward every time she behaves.

The Solution:
According to Dr. Leman, there is a big difference between encouragement and praise. For example, you come home one afternoon to find that your daughter has washed the breakfast dishes without being asked. Your response: “You’re the best little girl in the whole world! You get $5 for being such a good kid!” That’s praise — and it sets up a pattern of entitlement and expectations that can follow your child throughout her life. Encouragement would be: “That was such a thoughtful thing to do! Thank you!” Part of a parent’s job is to make sure each child gives back to the family in some way, Dr. Leman says. “They shouldn’t expect a reward for it.”

Don’t Forget to Have Fun!

The Problem: You’re worried your kids see you as “mean Mommy.”

The Solution:
Discipline doesn’t have to be a constant drag, Dr. Phelan says. You can enforce rules in a fun way by using some creativity. For example, if your kids have a hard time focusing on homework when they get home from school, make a game out of it. “Set the kitchen timer and tell them the goal is to finish their work before it goes off,” Dr. Phelan says. You can do the same when it comes to brushing teeth, getting dressed in the morning, or cleaning bedrooms. Or set up a chart in the kitchen where your kids can check off their assignments and chores when they’re done — kids love to see visual reminders of what they’ve accomplished!

Originally published in the June 2010 issue of Parents magazine.

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Related articles

• Toddler Discipline: Effective and Appropriate Tactics (webmd.com)
• Preschoolers: Tips for Discipline and Manners (webmd.com)
• The Long-Term Effects of Spanking (theatlantic.com)
• How Spanking Harms the Brain (psychologytoday.com)
• National Spank Out Day – Positive Discipline Resources (attachmentparenting.org)
• Physical discipline linked to future aggression (ctv.ca)
• With Spanking, Nature and Nurture Create More Aggression, Study Suggests (nlm.nih.gov)